So after a long few weeks...and the last week I have spent mostly in tears. I have decided that I need to write it out, in hopes that I will feel a little better. Although, I find myself writing it out on my blog which I don't do alot. I always post things on myspace, I think if I posted here less would read, and not as many people would know my weakness.
I have been in school the last years...and I am so close to being done. But, there is one thing that stands in my way...four letters..math. Now, this may sound crazy. I understand math and can do it just find, but it's the test that get me everytime. And at eastern you can pass the homework, quizzies, etc...but it you don't do good on the exams...then your done.
In hopes to over come this, I talked to eastern and was info that I could take an online course and then transfer it to eastern, which would allow me to take the one class I need. So, Nathan and I paid $850 dollars for this class. I then, went to transfer the class and the chair decided he didn't like the class because the way the test(s) was given...online and not a on paper in person.
Needless, to say it took forever to get this information from him, which I got this week.
I'm not a person to "fight" with people.....but I did inform him that there was more then one way to test someone's knowledge then just a paper exam....the math nerd didn't like this comment needless to say. But maybe since I work with children so much and love kids with special needs, that I know for a fact all kids don't learn the same, and you can't test them all the same.
So...first: I will not being attending Eastern...this was like a dream blowing up in my face...I was planning on walking this year...but with out the math that I need to get in to student teaching...it's hopeless. I have not handled this well....I have spent a lot time crying, laying on the bed, not eating, and cuddling with Nathan. I have really beat myself up about this.
Second: I'm looking at finishing my degree online through WGU, but I'm waiting for everything to go through and things to be transfer....praying everything transfers.
Third: I will be working....I'm looking for a job now. This is not fun, and I would like maybe something other then daycare.
---It's easy to say that I feel like a complete loser, and failure. These are not easy feelings to over come. Nathan as been watching me with the online math class I'm now finishing and he gets upset because I KNOW the math, it's just something about the testing. I did talk to eastern about this and they gave me some books to read. Which didn't help a lot. My test scores went up in other classes, but not math.
The most upsetting part is that most people don't know I WAS ON THE DEANS LIST, I'm wasn't a bad student.
But God has blessed me with an amazing husband who has been full of hugs, kisses and cuddling and up lifting words. He even had my favorite dinner the other night in hopes of getting me to eat. I did eat a little, but I don't feel like much of anything.
So, my life is going down another path....one I didn't plan on and didn't want to take. But I keep graping onto that little bit of trust, hope, faith or whatever it is that God is doing something...and has something in PLAN....what the plan is I don't know...and the waiting is killing me. I want to have it all planned out in my planner for the year. So, There's my heart.